Published Thu Jun 13, 2019 05:43 PM PDT

Just what is Satanism, and how many Satanists are there today? This is a good question and one worth considering. Well, just for starters, Satanism can easily be found via a few methods. Here's some:

Does a person claim to love the devil? Do they make devil horns with their hands? Do they like the number 666? Do they promote blatant Satanic imagery, such as the type commonly found in heavy metal and other music such as Marilyn Manson, Black Sabbath and Nine Inch Nails? Odds are very good that this person is a Satanist.

Here's some more: Do they think The Satanic Temple is really cool and doing a good job? Do they think the Church of Satan makes some good points? Do they have respect for all religions and customs except Christianity? Probably a Satanist.

Just what does it mean to be a Satanist? Well first it means that one worships the Dark Lord, the Father of Lies, and the origin of all suffering. It's very common amongst goth teenagers and also apparently many grown adults. It's very important that they impress the kids at school and appear threatening and showcase their deep sadness and fear of death, so they do this by embracing the devil.

The Satanist view is basically that Jesus Christ was dumb, and they don't like him. All of his miracles were probably fake and of course he didn't really rise from the dead, which is impossible (duh). They think his teachings were totally lame and probably he deserved to be crucified, assuming he even existed. Needless to say, it's pretty edgy.

What becomes of Satanists? Well I think everyone knows the answer to that. They go to their favorite place, Hell, which is totally a party where all the cool people go. They can't wait to embrace eternal death, or go to Hell (they're not really sure which it is). But the point is they're definitely not going to be enduring a boring eternal life in Heaven with Jesus Christ (who is very not cool), and not only that, but they wouldn't want to worship a God who would send them to Hell (the party place) anyways.

Favorite activities of Satanists include: Aborting children, anal sex, BDSM, polyamory, petitioning the French government to abolish age of consent law in 1977, dressing up as succubi, promoting witchcraft and ancient pagan magicks, endorsing schism and heresy, rising the ranks in the priesthood, claiming to be a prophet, burning down churches, blowing up churches, shooting people in churches, depicting Satan as a really cool guy, saying that Christianity was made up by evil men who just wanted to control everybody, driving trucks through Christmas markets, falsely accusing people of crimes, using extreme hallucinogenic drugs, reveling in violence and war, torturing people and animals to death, and of course, masturbating.

Well that's about it, keep an eye out if you see anyone who meets this description (I know that'll be hard!)

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